Teaching Confidence https://teachingconfidence.com With confidence, everything is possible Tue, 12 Nov 2019 14:12:51 -0600 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.3 Confidence: Anticipating and Avoiding Problems https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-anticipating-and-avoiding-problems/ https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-anticipating-and-avoiding-problems/#respond Tue, 12 Nov 2019 13:00:32 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=3046 Is confidence the reason why the most successful people I know are so good at anticipating what’s going to happen? While I doubt that there is a direct correlation, I firmly believe that confidence aids a person’s ability to anticipate … Continued

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Is confidence the reason why the most successful people I know are so good at anticipating what’s going to happen?

While I doubt that there is a direct correlation, I firmly believe that confidence aids a person’s ability to anticipate what’s going to happen.

Confidence and time

People who are at the consistently-confident end of the confidence spectrum sense that time is on their side.

They rarely, if ever, feel compelled to act quickly. That’s because they don’t languish in the emotions of fear, anxiety and scarcity. Instead they quickly set these emotions aside for a more reasoned, objective approach to the situation they’re facing.

This concept of time is an essential element in being able to anticipate actions and reactions of others.

Anticipation and time

In order to be able to anticipate how someone is going to act or respond we need time to not only observe their behaviors, but to convert these observations into plans that anticipate and effectively deal with them. Here’s an example:

Example

I’m on the program committee for a group of business people. All of the members of this group are committed to enriching the lives of others. Consequently when I contact them asking if they’d be willing to do a program, they respond “Of course!”

Later they wonder “What am I going to talk about?” This dilemma surfaced when I contacted them for a title and brief description of the program. Once I discovered this gap between their willingness to help and the absence of an idea as to specific content, I was able to take action to solve the problem.

Now, when I contact one of the members asking them to present a program, I have a couple of ideas based on my knowledge of their strengths, interests and successes. By anticipating their response and the dilemma they typically face, I’m able to streamline the process for both of us.

Saving time and energy

Confident people feel that they have more time than those with less confidence. Since they refuse to be slaves to the urgent, confident people have time to reflect on what they’re seeing. Their reflections help them anticipate situations more effectively which enables them to expend less time and energy in producing the desired result. Time is the link between confidence and anticipation I alluded to in the opening.

For you

The next time that you feel time pressure, remind yourself that this is precisely the time that you need to pause, take a deep breath and reflect on the situation and how you got there.

This simple process will help you realize how much of what you’re experiencing is of your own creation. It’ll also help you understand how you can avoid creating this problem for yourself in the future.

The more frequently that you follow this pause, breathe, reflect process, the more automatic the thought process becomes. As you find that you’re facing fewer and fewer problems of your own creation, you’ll become more confident in your ability to deal with anything you face…in an unhurried, less stressful way than you previously experienced.

For our kids

When you find your kids feeling stressed, share with them this pause, breathe, reflect process. They too will find that they automatically default to this thought process when they see how successful it is.

In all likelihood this process will become automatic for them more quickly than it does for you because kids have fewer old habits to overcome. Regardless, you and they will enjoy greater confidence and less stress by being to anticipate and prepare for the actions and reactions of others.

If you’d like to enjoy great confidence, check out our Confidence Self-Study programs.

If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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Confidence: Mistaken Identity https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-mistaken-identity/ https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-mistaken-identity/#respond Tue, 05 Nov 2019 13:00:51 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=3025 People who are struggling often mistake their struggle for a lack of confidence. Here’s an example to illustrate this point. Struggle The person next to me in the audience leaned over and whispered “I have a thousand questions.” When the … Continued

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People who are struggling often mistake their struggle for a lack of confidence. Here’s an example to illustrate this point.

Struggle

The person next to me in the audience leaned over and whispered “I have a thousand questions.” When the Q&A portion of the program started I said “Here’s your chance.” The person shook his head no. When I asked why he said “I don’t have the confidence to open up in front of the group.”

Again I asked “Why?” He said “I’m not sure what to ask.” What he was saying is that the stage of development of his thinking wasn’t far enough along to be able to formulate a question. The “thousand questions” were merely thoughts, possibilities, that felt random and dissociated.

That’s not a confidence issue, that’s a stage of development issue. We’ve all gone through the early stages in new initiatives when we have ideas and aren’t sure which is the appropriate one to propel us toward our goal. It’s normal…a natural part of the process in which ideas evolve into a well-defined goal an actionable plan. Not being sure what to ask is a natural part of that process, but it doesn’t indicate a lack of confidence.

Seeing the fear and anxiety the person was experiencing melt away, as he realized what the real issue was and that it was natural, warmed my heart and triggered this post.

For you

This isn’t the only example of how emotions often leave us feeling less than confident. When we’re afraid we’ve simply forgotten that we’ve never failed to deal with any situation we’ve faced, that’s not a lack of confidence it’s the emotion of fear blocking our memory.

When we procrastinate, it’s not that we lack confidence. We’re trying to force ourselves to do something we don’t enjoy. Similarly, anxiety isn’t a lack of confidence. It feels that way because we haven’t yet determined the source of the anxiety.

The next time your emotions leave you feeling less than confident, remember that your emotion is a message from the subconscious mind. Instead of attributing your feelings to a lack of confidence ask yourself “What is this emotion really telling me?’ Better yet, ask that question of your subconscious mind, then devote your time and energy to something you can accomplish. You’ll be amazed at how quickly your subconscious mind provides an answer.

For our kids

When your kids demonstrate that they aren’t feeling very confident, let them know that it’s their emotion that makes them feel that way. Then offer them the tip of assigning the interpretation of that emotion to their subconscious mind and shifting the conscious mind’s focus to something they can accomplish.

As you live this message, don’t hesitate letting your kids know that you’re feeling less than confident and that you realize that’s an emotional reaction…that you know that you are confident and the emotion is sending a message that you haven’t yet interpreted correctly. This simple approach will prevent you and your kids from taking a hit to your confidence.

If you’d like to enjoy great confidence, check out our Confidence Self-Study programs.

If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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Confidence: Age and the Future https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-age-and-the-future/ https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-age-and-the-future/#respond Tue, 29 Oct 2019 12:00:03 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=3020 A friend expressed concern about his age and his future. His concern was that he had started late, age 52, and after five years, age 57, was still not where he wanted to be. I know that my friend is … Continued

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A friend expressed concern about his age and his future. His concern was that he had started late, age 52, and after five years, age 57, was still not where he wanted to be. I know that my friend is not alone is his concern especially in light of the fact that long-term employment with one organization is history.

Age

With a smile on my face I told my friend that I had begun my confidence training business at age 68 and the business is still in its infancy. I’m sure some of you are wondering “Why would I do that when the odds are that I don’t have a lot of years left?”

My response to that is “Do any of us know how many years we have left?” Personally, I plan on continuing to at least age 120. Time will tell whether or not I achieve that goal, but whether I do or don’t is irrelevant to the way I live for the future.

Future

My attitude toward the future is, regardless of when I die, there will be an unfulfilled dream…something to which I aspired that I didn’t achieve. Given that reality, why deprive myself of the joy of pursuing any goal that intrigues me?

An often quoted, but little appreciated adage is “It’s the journey, not the destination.” Our natural tendency is to acknowledge the wisdom of this adage without fully appreciating its message.

What this adage should remind us is that when we do achieve a goal, we experience joy and a sense of accomplishment…for a very brief period of time. Recall your achievements, then pay attention to how long it was before you set a new goal and began a new journey. I’d be amazed if it took you longer than 24 to 48 hours to begin dreaming of what’s next.

To overlook this reality and concern ourselves with whether we have enough years left to fulfill our dream is to deprive ourselves of the joy of pursuing something that intrigues us, of learning something new that makes us more capable and more confident, of being able to help others in more ways than we could previously. That’s a lot to give up because we may not reach the destination.

For you

Save this blog post. The next time you feel yourself considering age a hindrance to your future, read it and resume the pursuit of your dreams. For in that pursuit you’ll find great joy…and in all likelihood, life a healthy life far longer than you might have imagined.

If you have aging parents and want them to cut back on the activities they enjoy because of health issues, stop it. Stopping what they love accelerates their decline and hastens the loss of the joy of their presence in your life. Reflect on this “Who among us wouldn’t prefer to die while doing something we enjoy than languishing in the emptiness of a life that holds no future?

For our kids

Live this message and you’ll disabuse your kids of the notion that age is a limiter. As they see you pursue your dreams into your 80s and 90s and beyond, they’ll be inspired to do the same.

When you see them concerned about whether they can achieve a goal, ask them to recall some of their earlier achievements. Then ask them how long it was before they began to dream of a new goal. Once they’ve realized how fleeting the joy of accomplishment is and how long the joy of pursuit lasts. Remind them that this is precisely the message of the adage “It’s the journey, not the destination.”

If you’d like to enjoy great confidence, check out our Confidence Self-Study programs.

If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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Confidence: Language of Gain https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-language-of-gain/ https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-language-of-gain/#respond Tue, 22 Oct 2019 12:00:43 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=3009 The power of language became evident as my mastermind group helped one of its members set a direction for her business. We began by exploring her tagline which defined the result her customers get. One of our members said “I … Continued

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The power of language became evident as my mastermind group helped one of its members set a direction for her business. We began by exploring her tagline which defined the result her customers get.

One of our members said “I like the word gain.” Immediately the rest of us became animated and we quickly came up with a new tagline that not only excited our colleague, but felt to her like it fit her natural style perfectly.

Power of gain

This experience reminded me of the importance of NLP, neurolinguistic programming, a science that studies the impact of language on behavior. One of the keys in NLP is speaking the language of gain.

We human beings seem to be wired to think the language of avoidance and loss. We want to avoid confrontation and other uncomfortable situations. We want to lose weight instead of gaining health. We think in terms of stopping bad habits instead of gaining new ones.

This natural tendency is one of the great limiters of our success. Thoughts of avoidance and loss drain our energy because these tasks feel burdensome. They’re not fun. They neither excite nor encourage us. Not to mention the fact that any time we fail in these efforts, we feel less confident, less capable.

For you

Here’s a simple daily exercise that will help you train your brain to think the language of gain instead of the language of avoidance and loss. Shortly after you rise in the morning, remind yourself that you’re going to use the language of gain. When you catch yourself using the less desirable language of avoidance and loss, quickly restate what you said in the form of the language of gain.

At the end of the day, find 5 minutes of quiet time to reflect on your success during the day. Remember that new neural pathways are created when you train your brain to think differently. These pathways are like muscles. The more you use the new way of thinking the stronger the pathways become. At the same time, the pathways associated with your old way of thinking atrophy. That’s why I encourage you to continue these daily exercises for a minimum of 7 days.

Of course, the longer you continue the exercises, the stronger the new pathways become and the more automatic this new way of thinking becomes.

For our kids

You’ll also strengthen your new pathways when you notice that you children are using negative language and you guide them to the language of gain.

Kids are more open and consequently learn more quickly than we adults. When you help them become consciously aware of the difference in energy between the language of gain and that of loss, you not only help them develop a confident, productive mindset, you strengthen your belief in the power the language of gain affords.

If you’d like to enjoy great confidence, check out our Confidence Self-Study programs.

If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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Does Confidence Make You More Humble? https://teachingconfidence.com/does-confidence-make-you-more-humble/ https://teachingconfidence.com/does-confidence-make-you-more-humble/#respond Tue, 15 Oct 2019 12:00:20 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=3000 Is humility a byproduct of gaining confidence? Think of people you know who exhibit higher than usual levels of confidence. As each person comes to mind, recall their behaviors. Do they come across as arrogant? Do they seek others’ approval? … Continued

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Is humility a byproduct of gaining confidence? Think of people you know who exhibit higher than usual levels of confidence. As each person comes to mind, recall their behaviors.

Do they come across as arrogant? Do they seek others’ approval? When complimented, how do they respond? Let’s explore each of these questions in more detail.

Arrogant

I doubt that you considered any of them arrogant. My experience has been that confident people rarely consider themselves special…even though they are. Confident people:

  • Have no illusions that they know everything.
  • Are always open to the possibility that they might be wrong.
  • Know that they can learn from everyone they meet.
  • Welcome new ideas and perspectives…even ideas at odds with their own.

These are hardly the qualities of an arrogant person. While confident people tend to be very open and transparent, arrogant people often appear to be closed minded and ambiguous. Ambiguity helps them avoid challenges to their position.

Approval

Confident people don’t need others’ approval. They are comfortable in their own skin. While they appreciate kind, encouraging words, they don’t need them to feel good about themselves, to feel fulfilled.

Because confident people don’t need others’ approval, they don’t seek it. Their indifference to others’ approval doesn’t come across as arrogant or aloof because they simply don’t consider themselves special.

That is the essence of humility…that you appreciate and value the skills and abilities you’ve acquired without feeling that you’ve accomplished something others cannot. Indeed, confident people typically encourage others to believe in their ability to achieve anything they desire.

Compliments

Upon receiving a compliment, confident people will typically:

  • Say “Thank you.”
  • Remind the other person that they too possess these qualities/abilities.
  • Help others develop the ability if they don’t possess it.

The confident person doesn’t deny or denigrate their own abilities, nor do they tout them. They let their abilities speak for themselves.

For you

When you meet someone who appears arrogant, self-serving and desirous of others’ approval, realize that they lack confidence. That doesn’t make them bad people, it means that you have an opportunity to help them gain the confidence they need. In helping them become more confident, they will become humble.

For our kids

As you encounter people, especially in the presence of your children, who lack humility help the person gain confidence. Your kids will see how readily confidence turns arrogance into humility.

After the person has left, let your child know that the person was simply lacking confidence. Help your child realize that they have an opportunity to change someone’s life for the better when they meet someone who is self-serving and arrogant.

Let them know some of the techniques that work well for you in bolstering other peoples’ confidence. When they come up with techniques of their own, congratulate them on their creativity and their concern for the welfare of others. In doing so, you enable them to be more confident…and more humble.

If you’d like to enjoy great confidence, check out our Confidence Self-Study programs.

If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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Magnetic Appeal of Confidence https://teachingconfidence.com/magnetic-appeal-of-confidence/ https://teachingconfidence.com/magnetic-appeal-of-confidence/#respond Tue, 08 Oct 2019 12:00:31 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=2989 Confidence attracts us, like a magnet, to the people who possess it. Here’s why. Authentic Confident people are authentic. They are so comfortable with who they are that they don’t feel compelled to impress others. In other words, they don’t … Continued

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Confidence attracts us, like a magnet, to the people who possess it. Here’s why.

Authentic

Confident people are authentic. They are so comfortable with who they are that they don’t feel compelled to impress others. In other words, they don’t feel the need for the approval of others to feel fulfilled and contented. Yet, they don’t come off as aloof or arrogant. The genuineness of their confidence makes them attractive to others.

Open/Decisive

Their confidence makes them open to new ideas…even when those ideas conflict with their own. Confident people don’t labor under the mistaken belief that they’re right and others are wrong. Instead their minds remain open to the possibility that there is a better way to achieve whatever they desire than the one they’ve envisioned.

Confident people also make decisions more quickly. Their confidence in their ability to evaluate new information, and employ that information effectively, enables them to decide quickly…and more often than not, correctly.

Being effective consistently enhances the magnetic appeal of their confidence.

Caring/sharing

Because confident people are so grateful for all the good that exists in their lives, because they view life’s challenges as merely something to be dealt with, they experience the abundance life offers. This sense of abundance sparks in them a desire to share their abundance with others.

Confident people always have time to help others deal with the challenges they face. Time is not a concern for confident people. They know that everything happens in the time in which it is supposed to, consequently the choice to take time to help another is an easy choice for them. Who among us isn’t drawn to people who care about us? Who have time for us during our time of need?

Inspirational

Confident people inspire us. They give us hope, nay belief, that everything will work out for the best. Their abundance mindset reminds us of the good that exists in our lives. Their openness encourages us to be more open. And their caring/sharing behaviors encourage us to behave similarly in our dealings with others.

For you

Each and everyone of us wants to be liked and appreciated. One of the simplest ways is to achieve this is to become more confident. My goal in writing this blog is to help you achieve that goal. If you want to dive more deeply into confidence and enjoy quicker results, my books and self-study programs will help you achieve this goal.

But foremost, my wish is that by realizing the appeal that confidence generates you’ll employ consistently what I share with you in these blog posts. For there is nothing that makes me happier than knowing that I’ve helped someone enjoy life more.

For our kids

Help kids understand why confidence is appealing so that they too might focus some of their attention on developing behaviors they observe you living that make you attractive to others.

Your authenticity, openness, decisiveness, caring/sharing attitude will indeed inspire them to behave in a similar fashion. In doing so, they too will inspire others. Then you will experience the joy of having enriched others’ lives.

If you’d like to enjoy great confidence, check out our Confidence Self-Study programs.

If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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Confidence: Kids As Teachers https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-kids-as-teachers/ https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-kids-as-teachers/#respond Tue, 01 Oct 2019 12:00:02 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=2987 Kids are great teachers…if we pay attention. This blog post is triggered by a recent news article about two boys entering the second grade. You probably heard the story. In case you didn’t, here’s a recap. Two boys are entering … Continued

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Kids are great teachers…if we pay attention.

This blog post is triggered by a recent news article about two boys entering the second grade. You probably heard the story. In case you didn’t, here’s a recap.

Two boys are entering the school on their first day as second-graders. One is smiling with excitement, the other appears distressed. The first boy takes the hand of the second and you can see the fear and anxiety dissipate as the two walk hand-in-hand into school. The distress the second boy experienced was attributed to autism, a condition that often creates fear and anxiety when new situations appear.

This simple act of kindness, taking the hand of someone who was afraid, had a huge impact not only on the autistic boy, but all who observed this kindness. It’s one of the many lessons that kids can teach us if we’re paying attention.

Compassion

Kids, especially those under the age of 6, seem to instinctively know when to help and exactly how much help to give. I saw this repeatedly when I was fortunate to serve on the board of a school that blended ‘typically developing’ (whatever that means) kids with kids with disability (who among us doesn’t suffer some deficiency?).

I marveled at how the kids helped one another in just the right amount time and time again. This uncanny instinct amazes me every time I see it. We adults often struggle, often overthink, the situation and while we’re thinking we miss an opportunity to assist someone who needs our help.

How we lost this ability I don’t know. But we can regain it by simply doing what kids do, offer help. If the person declines, smile to let them know that you appreciate their desire to be self-sufficient. If they accept, be grateful for the opportunity to make someone’s life easier.

Non-judgmental

Kids do not judge situations or behaviors as right or wrong, good or bad. If you pay attention to their language when kids register displeasure, they almost always say “I don’t like that.” They don’t judge it as being right or wrong, good or bad, they merely don’t like what’s happening.

Because they aren’t judgmental, kids don’t use judgmental language in communicating with the person who created the displeasure. Consequently, they don’t raise the offending party’s defenses. It’s one of the reasons why kids resolve problems quickly…unless parents intervene.

As adults we often label things as good or bad, right or wrong, and in doing so raise the defenses of those with whom we’re interacting. We also put ourselves in the position of having to defend our judgment to those who don’t share our perceptions. If we later realize that our judgment is wrong, we find it difficult to admit our mistake. We’re concerned about losing credibility, the other person’s trust, appearing weak or ignorant.

These are fears that don’t exist in small children. We learned them and we can unlearn them.

Awareness

Young children are well aware that their contemporaries are more adept at some things than they are. Indeed, during play these kids will often say “____, why don’t you _____. You’re better at it than I am.”

Again, there is no judgment involved. These youngsters readily recognize…and appreciate…that others are more adept at some things than they are. They don’t feel diminished by this reality, they use it to their advantage.

We, on the other hand, feel diminished by others’ exceptional abilities. Instead of viewing these people as teachers, we see them as competitors…to our detriment. If we appreciated, instead of feeling threatened, by others’ abilities. we could accomplish a great deal more. The reality is that no matter how good we get at what we do, there will always be someone who is more adept at some aspect than we are.

Acknowledge this reality and you’ll go a long way to regaining the appreciation and awareness that you enjoyed as a 4, 5 and 6 year old.

For you

As adults we feel a responsibility to teach our kids…and rightfully so. What we too often forget is that the best teachers are also the best students. And that we can learn from everyone…especially the youngest among us.

For our kids

As your kids 6 and under exhibit behaviors like those described above, praise them. Let them know that what they did was something beautiful. Your praise helps them become more conscious of what they’re doing. The more consciously aware of their actions they are, the more likely they are to repeat them. Remember that their initial efforts are instinctive, not conscious choices.

As you learn from your kids, employ what you learned. This will reinforce the kind of behaviors exhibited by the second-grader who helped a contemporary and in the process made a new friend.

If you’d like to enjoy great confidence, check out our Confidence Self-Study programs.

If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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Confidence: Beginning The Upward Spiral https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-beginning-the-upward-spiral/ https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-beginning-the-upward-spiral/#respond Tue, 24 Sep 2019 12:00:13 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=2980 To say that confidence is the platform for launching an upward spiral is too vague. It’s confidence in our ability to learn and adapt that enables us to grow more quickly and effectively than we imagined possible. Up, up & … Continued

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To say that confidence is the platform for launching an upward spiral is too vague. It’s confidence in our ability to learn and adapt that enables us to grow more quickly and effectively than we imagined possible.

Up, up & away

When we recognize that our real power, our real source of confidence, lies in our ability to learn and adapt, we automatically default to a ‘can do’ attitude. Any fear, any anxiety we experience becomes fleeting because we quickly recall that we’ve faced many challenges and always found a way to deal with them.

This mental shift occurs so quickly it’s almost as if the original concern didn’t exist at all. Immediately upon shifting our thoughts from fear and anxiety to confidence, we regain full use of our mental capacities…both conscious and subconscious. Emotions, as long as they are allowed to continue, diminish our mental capacity.

Don’t have to take my word for this. Recall a time when you experienced powerful emotions. How effective were you in dealing with the situation? What happened when you finally set the emotion aside? How quickly did the solution to the challenge appear? My experience has been that the solution appeared almost instantaneously.

As we become consciously aware of the connection between emotion and mental capacity, we develop the habit of quickly setting emotion aside and accelerating the discovery of solutions to the problems we face. Each success further enhances our confidence in our ability to learn and adapt…to deal with anything that comes our way.

This awareness is what creates an upward spiral in our growth in confidence in our ability to deal with anything in life…while continuously diminishing the fears and anxiety we previously experienced…until we are virtually free of these limiting emotions.

For you

To summarize, in this upward spiral we experience:

  • Confidence in our ability to learn and adapt.
  • An ever-quickening shift from fear and anxiety to a ‘can do’ attitude.
  • Enhanced mental capacity resulting from setting aside emotions.
  • Quicker achievement of success in dealing with life’s challenges.
  • Greater confidence in our ability to learn and adapt.
  • Shorter intervals between the emotions experienced and the shift to ‘can do.’
  • These thought processes become so automatic, we no longer realize what we’re doing.
  • For our kids

    Keep emphasizing to the kids in your life that their real power, their real source of confidence, lies in their ability to learn and adapt. Remind them that mistakes are a natural part of the learning process. Help them understand that as long as they learn from their mistakes, the mistake is simply an investment in their future. But if they don’t learn from their mistake, it’s an expense they’ll incur again and again.

    If you’d like to enjoy great confidence, check out our Self-study programs.

    If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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    ]]> https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-beginning-the-upward-spiral/feed/ 0 Confidence: Not Confrontation https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-not-confrontation/ https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-not-confrontation/#comments Tue, 17 Sep 2019 12:00:38 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=2940 Confident people do not confront others; they help them make more conscious decisions. The term, confrontation, has a negative connotation. It implies telling someone something they don’t want to hear. We tend to avoid confrontation because we risk angering the … Continued

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    Confident people do not confront others; they help them make more conscious decisions.

    The term, confrontation, has a negative connotation. It implies telling someone something they don’t want to hear. We tend to avoid confrontation because we risk angering the other person or damaging our relationship with them.

    Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be that way.

    Confidence and candor

    Confident people learn not to “tell” someone something they don’t want to hear. Instead they ask questions that enable the person to rethink their position. Here are some examples of the situations confident people face and the questions they ask:

    Disagreement

    Instead of disagreeing with someone, confident people ask:

    “How would that work in [this situation]?”
    “What would happen if [what you feel the person is overlooking]?”
    “Will that work when [situation]?”

    Instruction

    Giving instructions is another way of telling others what to do. Confident people ask:

    “Instead of doing A, B, then C, what would happen if we did A, C, then B?”
    “What would happen if we [alternative approach]?”
    “Is it possible to [alternative approach]?”

    Unacceptable behavior

    When someone behaves in a way a confident person doesn’t like, the confident person asks:

    “How would you feel if someone [did what the person just did, said what you said]?”
    “I doubt that you intended [what you felt], what is it that you want me to do?”
    “Can we agree to discuss this without letting it get personal?”

    Miscommunication

    Instead of “telling” someone that they need to be more precise in their language, a confident person asks:

    “When you say [term or phrase], do you mean [alternative meanings]?”
    “Can you give me an example to illustrate your point?”
    “Does this apply to [the situation you’re discussing] or is it more universal in its application?”

    Difference

    As you can see, asking questions doesn’t indicate displeasure with the other person, denigrate them or put them on the defensive. You’re merely asking for clarification which puts them in the mode of reevaluating what they said or did.

    That’s huge. It’s why, and how, confident people are candid without triggering angry responses, damaging relationships or triggering defensiveness. Occasionally someone will say to me “I don’t know how you get by saying some of the things you do.” It’s because I ask questions that make a point candidly without triggering negative reactions.

    For you

    The next time you feel the need to confront someone, and are dreading it, pause and convert what you were about to say into a question. You’ll find that the fear, anxiety and dread you’re experiencing are quickly replaced with excitement over how to move forward with compassion and confidence.

    For our kids

    When your kids dread confronting another person, don’t want to talk about what they’re experiencing or launch an angry attack on another person, share with them the difference between being candid and confrontational.

    Then help them formulate questions to convert their frustration to compassion and confidence. Don’t forget to live the message. Kids embrace what we do more readily than what we say.

    If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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    Confidence: Reaching Simplicity https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-reaching-simplicity/ https://teachingconfidence.com/confidence-reaching-simplicity/#comments Tue, 10 Sep 2019 12:00:19 +0000 https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=2933 My dear friend and sage web advisor, Kara Gamber, said “Sometimes reaching simplicity is a complex journey.” I couldn’t agree more. Let’s explore the process to see why this happens…and how to use it to our advantage. Inherent complexity We … Continued

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    My dear friend and sage web advisor, Kara Gamber, said “Sometimes reaching simplicity is a complex journey.”

    I couldn’t agree more. Let’s explore the process to see why this happens…and how to use it to our advantage.

    Inherent complexity

    We tend to start any endeavor by making it more complicated than necessary. The reason we do this is that we want to make sure that we don’t overlook anything that is essential to our success.

    Each new factor that we consider triggers other potential factors that could influence the outcome we achieve. Consequently, we find ourselves considering dozens of factors in devising a path to our destination.

    Filtering

    As we layout our approach, we identify steps (factors) that make the make the achievement of our goal clunky and unwieldy. Our natural reaction is to look for something that will make life simpler and more enjoyable.

    With each next step we not only simplify the current step under consideration, we learn things that can improve on earlier refinements.

    Over time, we continue to evolve to simpler and simpler ways to accomplish what we desire. It’s this iterative process that helps us become more efficient and more productive than our early efforts. Ultimately, we latch onto a simple system that’s easily replicable and works so consistently we know, with absolute certainty, that it’ll work every time.

    For you

    Human beings naturally abhor complexity. All too often that results in us giving up on whatever we hoped to accomplish. By understanding that complexity is the initial step toward simplicity and that simpler, more efficient ways of doing things surface as we continue our pursuit, we set ourselves up for greater success and more satisfying results.

    The byproducts of giving up are a sense of loss, disappointment and inadequacy…not exactly the foundations of confidence.

    When you feel inclined to walkaway from something you desire because of the complexity involved, remind yourself that complexity is the starting point on a journey to simplicity. You’ll enjoy greater success…and more of what you want in life.

    For our kids

    When you see a child feeling overwhelmed with complexity, share with them the fact that “Reaching simplicity is a complex journey.” Let them know that simplicity is the result of an iterative process in which the complex becomes simpler and simpler until it becomes efficient and effective.

    Oh, by the way, live this message and your kids are more likely to employ it. They mimic the behaviors of the adults in their lives.

    If you’d like to enrich the lives of others by teaching them to be more confident, check out our Teaching Confidence Instructor Certification program.

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